wellmeaning advice maybe impractical

For months now, the police reports in my local paper have regularly addressed the issue of domestic violence - alongside fuel and copper thefts from farms, kids riding bikes without helmets and occasional vandalism. The joys of quiet, one PC communities.

Violence in NZ is increasing, and the police reports reflect that.

And I wonder, what good does it do to urge the victim of domestic violence to act - if not on her own behalf, for the sake of her children?

Maybe one woman, somewhere, will read those words and think 's/he's right, we've got to get out of this'. And make a successful escape from a situation that is beyond resolving.
The odds? Probably pretty low.

If a woman stays home, someone is benefitting. If she is in fear, she stays home, someone benefits from that. If she is economically disadvantaged, she stays home, someone benefits from that. Domestic violence is part of a culture that is very good for someone - who tends not to be female.

A woman in a culture where there is proven benefit in keeping women at home, silent, supportive, and pregnant will be systematically destroyed in the furtherance of that aim.
*Every* woman, every human female, experiences that destruction as she learns her place in society, her 'equal but different' subservient, nurturing role.
When she finds herself partnered to an abusive man, half the work is already done and all he has to do is follow the rule book to complete it.

I don't know what this rule book is. Does it exist? Is it a set of behaviours that men teach each other, or is it innate? All I know is that abusive men the world over use the exact same tactics. I've read about them, in biographies, on blogs, in newspapers. I've seen them in action with my friends or with my mother. As an eighteen year old, I experienced some of them for myself.
Rule the first: Destroy her self esteem
Rule the second: Socially isolate her
Rule the third: Ensure her economic dependence
Rule the fourth: Control her love (children/pets/interests/significant other/security - whatever she cares for, have in your power to destroy)
That's a start. I can think of so many more, behaviours that all lead to one end - keeping the woman dependent and subservient.

I think a lot of women in these situations know the game. 'Just leave' is well meaning advice, but it's on a par with telling a child suffering severe bullying to 'ignore the bullies and walk away - they'll get fed up'. Do you think a pack of bullies is going to let the victim just walk away - without having given them the least bit of attention?

There *are* things a woman can do to help herself, and thanks to the work of a past generation of feminists, there are safe places she can turn to if she decides to leave.

But it doesn't pay to underestimate what she's up against. Or the tactics likely to be used to prevent her leaving/force her back.

edited 11 October to add a link to the insights gained by Marcella Chester (abyss2hope) from attending a workshop designed to help community and health workers aid victims of domestic violence.